An Unanswerable Question
Last week I had a friend message me and ask about some of the benefits of singleness. He explained that they were doing a relationship series for their youth group and wanted to do a week on singleness and how great it is.
How can I answer this question? The fact is, there are some freedoms that come with singleness and some abilities to take risks and be adventurous with no one to consider but yourself. But the truth is, these small things cannot compete with a church culture who tells you that you are less than if you have not attached yourself to someone.
When young girls who are getting married have the women of the church surround them and help them set up a beautiful home and share stories of cooking and sex, and those who remain single are left to piece a home together from Craigslist and have the married women exclude them from get-togethers.
When young men are asked if they are gay in their ordination interview because they are not yet married at 25.
When young adults of both sexes are elbowed and winked at for having close friends of the opposite sex. When they can’t meet with a skilled mentor of opposite sex because they have no spouse to accompany them.
We in the American church have not practiced what we have preached. We have shared a theology that if you wait well, if you keep your kisses to yourself, God will reward you with a godly pastor (or worship leader) husband or a ‘smokin hot’ wife who will keep a perfect home and deliver you a pie with a smile on her face.
[pullquote]If we want our teens to embrace the path that God has for them, if we want our children to grow to be fearless and adventurous and to waste their lives for the cause of Christ, we need to be adults who model for them a fearlessness and a family that they will belong to whether or not they are married.[/pullquote]
We have taught that singleness is a phase to bear, a waiting game, and if you do it well, you will come out of relationship purgatory and get marriage. We have preached entire series on marriage and parenting and have left an entire segment of adults out of the body. We have put an even number of chairs at the table of Christ and have said I’m sorry, this one’s taken – there might be a folding chair you can pull up at the end there, if you can find one.
We have created a culture of fear for single Christian adults, rather than an inclusive environment where we are a family – where we break bread together, young and old, single and married and widowed and divorced. We have created a fear of eternal exclusion, of “you can’t understand because you don’t have kids,” of us and them.
We need to come around our young women, regardless of whether they are to be wed, and share stories with them of cooking disasters and relationships and leadership. They need women who will talk to them about dating and being loved and breaking up and having a legitimate wonderful full life bursting with dreams and purpose. They need purpose beyond being told that motherhood is God’s highest calling.
We need to come around our young people – men and women – and validate that they can have a full, effective ministry without a spouse. We need to affirm them that they can be whole and pure and successful in the ministry single. If they are called to world missions, they can go now without waiting for someone to accompany them. We need to advocate for their legitimacy in ministry. We need to let especially our young men know that they are capable and whole and able to be an effective minister without waiting for a wife.
We all need to advocate for singles of all ages. Married friends, we need you to not laugh at the jokes made at our expense. We need you to not make jokes about setting us up with weird awkward people. We need you to see and affirm us as whole – as legitimate contributors to the Kingdom. We need you not to look at us as people who are waiting, but rather as people who are your co-laborers. We need you to not talk about your own season of singleness as a time that was pathetic and desperate.
So what is my answer to this youth pastor’s question? How do I convince young people in today’s church that the ultimate prize is not marriage but a life unwaveringly committed to the cause of Christ? I model it for them. I ask you to do the same – married or single. We open our hearts and our homes to one another as the family of Christ. We put an uneven number of chairs at the table and we welcome those who are alone, those who are together, those who are lonely. We welcome those who are not like us – we make space to live with and learn from those who are in a different category. An unconditional yes to working toward the call of Christ together – making disciples and spreading the gospel without condition or prerequisite.
5 Comments
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Katie
First of all, this is very well written. Second of all, it is honest (not sugar coated), and I always appreciate that kind of vulnerability. Third: it is 100% true!! The one question that comes to my mind when I contemplate the current mentality that people in the Church seem to have about singleness is - WHY? Why do we think this way? Why have I allowed this mindset to dictate my own choices in life? Why do I let the married population of the planet pigeon hole me into the "Oh... Poor thing!" category? Why is marriage a part of our society's definition of success? I could go on and on in circles with the "Whys" in my own head, but I would love to start (or join in) a discussion that addresses THAT question. Perhaps it would help people respond and live out the "We Needs..." That you presented here. But I must thank you for putting this out there so beautifully and honestly!
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John Moxon
Dear Kelly, hope you can fogive male eavesdropper on this conversation ... but this really hits the mark ... You have helped me realise that the spoken, but much more often unvoiced hedge of exclusion and implication is the real source of a periodic sense of debilitation ... not the condition (gift?) of singleness itself. There is a strong resonance with reported experience re race and other differences based on being out of someone else's "ordinary". Ministering to our younger selves on the basis of instilling good resilience while "waiting" sets a very dangerous and misleading precedent ... mortaging a temporarily anomalous state against a hedged future. This pledges a great haul of emptiness for any ongoing single situation ... you pay now, and pay double later. I get days of complete peace and strange enjoyment ... and am conditioned to actually feel guilty ... or selfish? ... but I wonder if this is the voice of a fulfilled self longing to be known .. and to have peace to share. Yours, John Moxon University of Roehampton, London
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Corinne
Thank you so much for this. It's so refreshing to be able to relate as a single female pastor. In the field I am in, I am not only a woman pastor, but I am young on the spectrum. I work with college students and am bombarded constantly with pastors older than me always asking "so, are you married," or sharing unwanted advice like, "ministry is so much easier with a spouse," and students who are younger than me getting married, and my co-workers are a married couple (basically, I am surrounded). I wholeheartedly agree that the first question a senior pastor asks me should NOT be, "are you married?" But rather than complain, and soapbox, I would love to help change the culture. My co-workers get to go away for a weekend on a marriage retreat, how can we help singles have a similar rewarding experience? How can we help married people (and anyone really) realize that their comments and advice and generalizations are hurtful? I love that you have started this conversation, and I hope you are encouraged to know that it's being continued here!
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Shannon
Brilliantly stated, Kelly. Thank you. The church culture has reinforced that we "lack" because we are not married. We set boundaries for sex within marriage, but fail to recognize that sex is not the ultimate goal, Christ is. We can live without sex and marriage. Jesus did. Paul did. And so have countless others who have abandoned themselves to Christ and forsaken the culture of the world for the sake of the Kingdom. Our Christian church culture should embrace & include all, no matter the marital state. Sadly, however, we want everyone to be like us. Its time for us to embrace individuals into community and family, not force them into creating their own family for the sake of community.