If She’d Been Healed…
The whole day that Mom lay in that hospital bed we fully expected she would be healed. We waited in anticipation for her to open her eyes – we saw it happening at any moment.
We waited, imagining the stories we would tell about her healing. We waited, expecting to make glorious phone calls back to family saying it was okay, God had come through, all was right in the world, she had been healed.
We watched her closed eyes waiting for them to flutter. We squeezed her hands waiting for her to squeeze back.
And sometimes I wonder where I would be three years later if she had been healed. Surely that first year everyone would have talked about it. She probably would have been booked at some conferences and church services to preach about healing. People would have asked her to pray for their own healing. At the end of THAT day, everyone would have sighed relief. See? They would have said. Nothing to worry about. God pulled through. (And somewhere, someone would have watched the whole thing wondering why their person hadn’t been healed.)
I wonder if, after three years, the story would have gotten old. We probably would have moved on. It would have been a great family story, and I expect we would have been brought closer by the experience, but eventually everything would have gone back to normal, and probably once in a while I would have thought, “Phew. Glad that all worked out.”
Instead, I have struggled with my faith. I have struggled to figure out what I really believe about healing, or faith, or whether God really cares what hurts us. I have cried countless tears, I have yelled at God, and I have given up more than once. I can’t tell you how many times I have asked God why. I have remembered He loved me and rolled my eyes and thought yeah, sure. Thanks a lot.
I have preached sermons on finding peace and worshiping and struggling and instead of imagining what that must be like, I have been able to bring broken pieces of myself to share with others. I have been able to listen to people that have walked through excruciating pain and say, “Me too.” I have been able to listen to people struggling with what to believe and say, “Me too.”
I have led worship and have sung and said, “He is always good. He is always faithful.” And I have said it from a heart that believes it truly, tested by fire.
I have become a person without answers. I have moved into a space where I admit I am too small to understand His plan. I have become a person forced to understand that much of the comfortable theology I grew up with melts in the face of tragedy. Although I didn’t want to, I became a person that understands the tip of the iceberg – that when you say you lost someone, what you actually mean is that you saw things you never wanted to see, you felt pain so immense it was indescribable, you asked questions about God you never thought anyone should ask.
If she’d been healed, we would have had a great story. A great testimony. But the thing is, sometimes the testimony isn’t that God gave you what you wanted – it’s that He made you into the person you couldn’t become without the tragedy. We want to be spared pain, but without pain there is no growth. Without having our foundations shaken, we remain the same. It is a gift to be brought into a place of shaken faith, of questioning, of doubt. It is a gift to have to say with tear-stained cheeks, “Prove yourself again. Prove yourself again.” Because, through His mercy, He does.
He is always good. He is always faithful.
21 Comments
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Anne Blanchard
Powerful.....I resonate on so many levels. You said what so many of us have felt. The power in your words comes from transparency, a place where most are not comfortable. You are absolutely correct that the open doors for ministry to those in pain are much wider. Our mess is always our message. Your Mom is smiling from heaven; more importantly God is smiling! Sending a Momma hug to you today.
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sandy
True word, well said. More truth: all of your prayers have been answered as she is now more alive than ever, and waiting for all of you. You are a blessing!
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Marsha Clark
Ashley & Kelly, i too have lost my Mom and know the pain. But my faith has been shaken by my daughter who we raised in church and she even went to bible college but has lost her way through hurts in her adult life. She is precious. Precious in my sight and precious in God's sight. I too like you have gone through the anger and grief but have come to a place bigger than myself where I have to just trust God. There is a peace there. I keep praying and sometimes I cry but I hold on to my faith in a faithful good God. You are often in my prayers. You don't know me but your story has touched my heart. You are strong young ladies. The best gift your Mom ever gave you was knowing where she will be for all eternity and you will see her again. Love and Prayers Marsha
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Thank you for this, Kelly. I, too, have been going through a trying situation for a couple of years which, while not remotely like the loss of a loved one, has still been very faith-testing. People all through have assured me that God is going to perform certain obvious miracles to catapult me out of it, and He never has. The end I have arrived at isn't quite the one I wanted, or even the one I thought I was promised. Your post here is another confirmation of a different thing I have learned: God knows what He is doing, and He is *still* faithful. See you in Europe, maybe!
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Julie
Kelly, Thanks for sharing. You are right. I heard your father speak last week and I found your blog as a result. I heard a pastor explain this as the "already not yet" theory. It gave me some peace. I'll post a link here to an article that explains it. I don't know if it is a full answer, and if you find it upsetting just hit delete! http://www.gotquestions.org/already-not-yet.html Your Dad encouraged me greatly. I don't have all the answers. I do know that I'm not going to waste my grief. I don't think you will either.
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So often, when something good happens people attribute it to God and then when something bad happens they say "I guess it wasn't God's plan." Personally, I think Ecclesiastes 9:11 applies to most good AND bad things that happen in our lives: "I have observed something else under the sun. The fastest runner doesn't always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn't always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don't always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time." --New Living Translation Leading a life in moderation can lead to benefits, of course, but when we drive down a road and a tree falls on us, I do not think it's part of God's plan. At least the God, I know. I thank God for the good, but don't blame him for the bad. The truth (I believe) is that it is just chance... although luck is where preparation meets opportunity. God is good!
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kellydelp
Yep - to so much of this! Life happens to all of us, pain happens no matter what - it's not only the good God brings, but the painful as well. Still processing so much of this, but it's good to accept these things!
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Without FAITH it is impossible to please GOD. We have to trust HIM, and, trust that HE knows best!!! HE already knows the outcome! I have been healed of cancer, and, numerous other things that doctors cannot heal, but I have seen many family members, including my husband, lose the fight with cancer. I do not understand why some are healed, and, some are not, but I have to believe that GOD always knows best, and, I have to put my faith, and, trust in HIM,and trust HIM! The ones who know HIM as SAVIOR are truly WINNERS!!!
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debra Gerstenberger
Dear Kelly, You know that I understand what you went through. As I was reading your beautifully written blog, I was reminded of what I heard this morning during my quiet time with the Lord. I have been "marinating" in James1 which, as you know, speaks of trials and testings. I was listening to Dr. J. Vernon McGee commenting on this chapter. He stated that a piece of ore is put through fire and acid before the gold or silver comes forth. Kelly - your gold or silver is peeking through!
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Debbie dyche
So beautifully said Kelly! I lost my sis Thanksgiving day. She was only 18 mo older...your words bring so much hope in the face of pain. Bless you Debbie
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Thank you for your honesty. This is important.
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Tandy
Beautifully & honestly written! Because you are willing to share her story, YOUR story her legacy lives on, and you are building one of your own!
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Robin burns
Sweet Kelly...what you have said comes at such an important time for our extended family. Thankyou...you are such a blessing to me and so mnay! Like ur momma 💖....The impact of ur insight from God is far reaching.!!! Love and continued Prayer!
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Mindy Coniff
Kelly you may not remember me, but I knew your wonderful beautiful mom from Lakeview. You said what I felt when I was 24 years old and lost my dad to brain cancer (back in '82), he was just 57 years old, which, is what I am now (it's strange to be the age he was when he died). I too believed up to the last moment that God could heal him and oh, what a marvelous testimony that would have been to the rest of our family, mostly unbelievers. I questioned God for several years back then of why He didn't shine through and restore dad's health. It was a hard pill for me to swallow, but I kept my faith in the Lord, as after all, I figured He knew what He was doing by taking away from me a wonderful Father. It hurt, and still does all these years later, but I know I've had to trust God more over the years, and not just think that He's going to do something the way I would like, as He proved that's not how He works. My ways are not His ways, I know that scripture to be so. I acquired a lot of strength from that loss, to help me get through so many things that I never knew I had to face, like a son with a brain tumor and now in a wheel chair for the rest of his life...another, why God? My mom passing away six years ago, and I'm not sure if she knew Jesus as her Lord and Savior or not. We come to realize life is not fair in how we know or understand it, and that hurts many times. My heart goes out to you, but I know you are a strong woman and all of this has made you stronger and able to share in a way you weren't able to before three years ago. Keep pressing on, and at least you know that one day, you will be with your mom again. What a blessing that is. Thank you for writing your blog. I was glad to read it.
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Thank you, Kelly. Lori was not yet 20 when she lost her mother to cancer. It is hard to understand when wonderful, godly people, like your mother, are taken from us. But trust can only grow to the extent that we do not understand. Trust is only needed when understanding is absent. Understanding must give way to trust. Proverbs 3:5.
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Jonna
Amazing words, I've felt the same and didn't know how to express the feelings. Thank you for those words.
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Amen. To know that He is good when all is sunshine in blue skies, with white, puffy clouds is wonderful. To know it when you are heartbroken, weak and full to overflowing with tears, is glorious. It is a gift.
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AnGel hinson
This article is so true. Having lost our first born son at 24 wks and seeing him suffer in the NICU for two wks before he went to be with Jesus was not what we had planned for our first born child. Were we angry? Yes. Confused? Yes. I felt like God had abandoned us and we didn't deserve what we were going through but did God bring good out of it? Yes. Did I learn more compassion and understanding in how to minister to others who shared the same or similar loss? Definitely yes! Was God faithful to give us 2 more heathy sons? Yes! Do those things take the pain away? No, but knowing that God's ways are not our ways and knowing that He will continue to strengthen us and use our testimony for His glory makes all the difference!
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Becky geyer
So true. God knows our pain and He is so faithful to bring us through it, helping us holding us all the way.